I Loved You Once in Silence
by vanillalilac
Summary: An exploration of Clarisse and Joseph's hidden love set to the song of the same name from the musical Camelot.


I started this probably a couple of years ago and finally finished it as a means of procrastinating the homework I had to do. Haha Hope you enjoy it. There are a couple quotes taken directly from the _Princess Diaries _movies.

_I loved you once in silence_

_And misery was all I knew_

_Trying so to keep my love from showing_

It surprised Clarisse even to think about it. Some time ago she realized that she loved Joseph, her head of security. Was it when he agreed to take on the extra duty of watching over Amelia, or during that dance when he told her she had been wearing black for too long? All she knew was that she could never let on to him how she felt. She had had to shoulder a lot in her life; why should this be any different? Perhaps because the act of hiding her feelings made her miserable…

_All the while not knowing you loved me too_

_Yes loved me in lonesome silence_

_Your heart filled with dark despair_

_Thinking love would flame in you forever and I'd never never know the flame was there_

That. Dance. Yes, he loved her. He had adored her ever since he started to work at the palace. He quickly moved up the ranks and was then able to work directly for her, see her everyday. He loved her but couldn't tell her. First, she was his employer. Second, she was a queen! And third, she had no inclination whatsoever that he felt anything for her at all.

_Then one day we cast away our secret longing_

_The raging tide we'd held inside would hold no more_

_The silence at last was broken_

_We flung wide our prison door_

_Every joyous word of love was spoken_

It was the night of Amelia's ball at the Consulate. The moment Joseph cut into her dance with the Prime Minister, her heart fluttered. It seemed like they had grown even closer during their time in San Francisco. Maybe it was because they didn't have all of the pressures of Genovia directly on them there, or that she was simply learning how to open her heart again. Finally, Clarisse allowed Amelia to play the music that she liked and decided to retire to her rooms. Even before she left the crowded room she could feel Joseph's presence behind her. Her eyes closed as she imagined what she would prefer to do at that moment - feel Joseph's arms around her once more, just not for the act of dancing. Her eyes opened again to the feeling of warmth on her gloved hand. The next thing she knew, the other security guards in the hall were gone, Joseph had kissed her hand, and he was leading her ahead with his hand on the small of her back.

They finally reached the door to her rooms after what seemed like an eternity of nerves. She looked so enchanting in her flowing champagne gown and glittering jewels that matched the sparkle in her crystal blue eyes. Joseph wanted nothing more than to kiss her then, but something stopped him. It wasn't the right time, not yet. They shouldn't start something they couldn't finish, and first they had to both be sure they were willing to risk everything for it. For now, he said, "Good night your majesty." Then, allowing himself one small concession, he whispered, "…Clarisse" and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before disappearing into the shadows.

It had been five years. They had grown closer over that period of time but kept their contact to a few chaste kisses hidden in the moonlight. Finally, he knew it was time. They were walking through the garden talking about Mia when he once again dismissed the servants with a wave of his hand.

After taking a moment to gather his courage, he led her to the gazebo. "Clarisse, my darling, forget the wedding for a moment. Now in less than a month you will no longer be queen and I will no longer be your head of security. I think it's time we bring our friendship out of the shadows…"

She knew what he was asking. How could she not? This was what she had been dreaming about for years and yet when the moment came, her first instinct was to decline. Yes, she loved him, but it was all virgin territory for her and that was terrifying. So, with a sense of trepidation mixed with hopefulness, Clarisse stroked his cheek and replied that she would think about it.

_And now there's twice as much grief_

_Twice the strain for us_

_Twice the despair_

_Twice the pain for us_

_As we had know before_

Things had been so stressful ever since the wedding was announced between Amelia and Andrew. As Queen, Clarisse was mostly in charge of planning it. Not to mention, she always had his proposal at the back of her mind. While listening to the dance selections, her mind was transported back to that day in San Francisco when she had danced with Joseph. She closed her eyes and pretended she was there again, in the sunny ballroom encased in his arms.

Suddenly startling her out of her reverie was the _actual _feeling of his arms. He had come to hear her answer to the proposal. As much as it pained her, she had her answer. Still, she allowed herself one more moment, tiredly resting her head on his shoulder.

"Have you been thinking about us?" "Yes I have." …Her eyes said it all. He didn't even need to hear an answer. He didn't listen to her half-hearted explanations or realize that the main reason she was saying no was because she was scared. He just walked away, knowing that he was going to try to distance himself from her as much as possible now. It was odd, he thought bitterly, that he was in more pain and despair now than before they had confessed their feelings.

_Every joyous word of love was spoken _

_And after all has been said_

_Here we are my love_

_Silent once more_

_And not far my love_

_From where we were before_

"Just because I didn't get my fairytale ending, doesn't mean you shouldn't." Well, if Amelia…or Mia could stand up for herself why couldn't she? She loved him and if she didn't do something about it she could lose him forever.

Walking down the aisle, she felt like a young girl again. All of the insecurities and butterflies were firmly implanted in her stomach. They said "I do." and kissed and life was perfect.

Following the ceremony, no words were needed. They gazed at each other in silence. They were right where they had started. In love.

-*The End*-


End file.
